For a variety of reasons, skiing is both less compelling and more logistically complicated this season than it's ever been, so my attention has largely shifted to lifting. I'm loving the changes to my body. I can actually see muscles playing under my skin when I do kettlebell presses. My lats and traps are noticeably meatier. Various body parts look firmer than they have in years. And my self-image is so much better - partly because, due to the communities I've been encountering, I'm learning to appreciate strength and muscle (which I can develop while feeling like a badass) rather than being lean (which, if it requires caloric restriction, just feels demoralizing and impossible). I'm even wearing tank tops and leggings - partly because it's comfortable, but let's be honest - partly because I like the way I look in them. The "me" of a year ago would be horrified at the idea of wearing leggings in the gym unless I had something covering them at least to mid-thigh.
But, funny thing - I'm eating a lot, I'm building muscle, and I'm maintaining weight - which, yeah, means I'm losing fat. So far, anyway. I'm denser than ever
I've clarified my goals. Told my trainer that I wanted to focus on strength and visible muscle (not getting lean, because I hate calorie deficits - just more of what's already happening, where you can see my muscles bunch when I'm using them. If I'm the only one who notices, that's fine. I'm doing this for me). Pretty soon, we're embarking on some new programming. He only described it in broad strokes, but what I got out of it is that it will be three month cycles, with one month of each dedicated to <something>. I don't remember a lot of the details. One of the months is hypertrophy (no surprise). Something about a month of low reps. Something about doing very slow, controlled lifts. Something about planning to be very, very sore and needing to eat what frankly sounds like an impossible amount of protein.
In the meantime, there's one thing that bugs me, and it's very very silly. My trainer put biceps curls (concentration curls) on my list. I feel weird about doing them. Somehow it's in my head that there are only two types of people who do these curls: muscular men trying to show off, and other men who just think it's what you're supposed to do in the gym. It doesn't help that actually, it's kind of hard to do them correctly, so I have to watch myself in the mirror. So it must look very vain, even worse since the weights involved are not exactly impressive.
I'll get over this. I felt weird about bench press, but not anymore (possibly because I've crossed some arbitrary threshold to where the amount of weight "counts" - which is of course ridiculous). At some point in my life, I felt weird about barbell squats, and deadlifts, and boy did good mornings feel conspicuous when I started doing them.
I probably don't need to worry about looking like a fool - at this point, there are a lot of gym regulars, including some guys who move a lot of weight and definitely look like they belong, who say hi and make small talk when they see me. Oh ... hey ... I just realized ... I'm a regular, too!
