L O L. I do think there should be prizes for slowest riders too. For the update that nobody was waiting for... tl;dr: that was terrible, didn't die, wasn't last (bike racing buddy was).
Bike racing buddy and I started near the back of our very small field, because we expected to suck. Spoiler: we did suck. I did use the clipless pedals and it made everything 100% easier and better. Buddy expected I was going to outclimb him, so sent me ahead. We had plans to ride together, but I didn't realize I'd dropped him until I was about three switchbacks ahead and he started walking and I was an asshole and kept going. For those that didn't know, this race opens with a 1.4 mile 320 foot climb up the side of a ski hill. If I didn't keep going I was going to lose all momentum and I figured he'd catch up on the descent since he's been mountain biking way longer than me. It was a fun climb. Stopped once at the top to help one of the super fast kids get her chain back onto her big cog. Then the descending started and I remembered that "novice" means "novice racer" not "novice mountain biker"
The descents were much narrower and more technical than anything I had a chance to practice on... so I went full cross racer and got off and ran because I'm a wimp and afraid of trees. This approach wasn't any slower than the novice woman I was riding with by that time. Summer is the worst of all seasons and it was 85+ and humid and I'm a delicate snowflake. That is to say, I wilted partway up the second (smaller) climb and ended up hiking the last bit of loose gravel fire road. By this time the sport division riders were lapping me, so it was super fun getting into a rhythm and then having to pull off the trail. But then the last bit was descending on a wide smooth trail and grass! And I got to go stupidly fast around corners because there was nothing solid to crash into.
Overall, coming from a distance running background, I probably could have run this race faster than I biked it. Actually, a couple years ago I did a trail run twice as far with more than double the elevation
at altitude almost 50% faster. But hey, this was day 5 on a mountain bike ever, so I'm calling it a success to not DNF. Redeeming feature: bike racing buddy came in about 40 minutes after me. Sounded like he hiked most of the way and was getting early stages of some kind of heat illness at the end
I feel bad for dropping him.