Post Your Funnies, Any Funnies. I need to laugh!

Turoa Kiwi

Getting on the lift
Skier
Joined
May 27, 2016
Posts
85
Location
Wellington . New Zealand
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office ‘oomph’ of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.
“Well,” started Stallone, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.”
“Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano,” replied Willis. “I’ll play him.”
“I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Segall. “I’d like to play him.”
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. “Sounds splendid.” Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, “Who do you want to be, Arnold?” Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, “I’ll be Bach.”
 

Turoa Kiwi

Getting on the lift
Skier
Joined
May 27, 2016
Posts
85
Location
Wellington . New Zealand
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life...

We talked about the idea of living or dying and I said: "Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If I am ever in that state I want you to disconnect all the equipment and fluids keeping me alive, I'd much rather die."

My wife looked at me for a moment all starry eyed.

Then she jumped up... disconnected my TV, my Cable, my DVD, my PC, my Cell Phone, my iPad, my Playstation, my Xbox... and then went to the shelves and gathered up all my whisky, gin, vodka and my all my beer from the fridge.

I had to rugby tackle her before she got to the sink..
 

Slide of Hans

Getting on the lift
Skier
Joined
Nov 1, 2017
Posts
171
The following is an actual question given on a chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however,wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
 
Top